For the past 11 days with my brand new baby girl, I've had to make a lot of decisions. Even in the hospital, her blood sugar was low on her very first night. Very low. In fact, they almost took her to the NICU because she wasn't nursing at my breast, so she wasn't getting any nutrients. I had to make a decision: supplement her with formula, or send her to the NICU. I chose the formula, and her blood sugar did eventually return to normal.
I felt that I had done the right thing as a mother, but I've already been told by multiple people that I shouldn't have introduced a bottle of formula to my baby on the very fist night of her life. Not to mention those bottle nipples make the formula come out super fast, so it was very easy for Charlotte to just chug. But like I said, in the end, I believed I had done what needed to be done for her to keep her healthy.
My baby girl just isn't a nurser. She latches improperly and chews on me and it is excruciatingly painful. The nurses in the hospital just didn't have time to sit and help me, especially that first night we were there, so I felt like I had to choose to give her a bottle. Even the lactation consultant at the hospital tried to help me and Charlotte would not have it. Now, she still won't nurse, it's still incredibly painful, but now it brings on meltdowns. Being a new mom, sleeping in three hour increments, and trying to decided what to do about nursing has been the most stressful thing I have ever had to do. I have stayed up sobbing multiple times in the night while Charlotte is sleeping peacefully in her bassinet next to me wondering why I can't nurse my baby, and why it matters. I've been pulled in three different directions: Stick it out and continue to try and nurse, switch completely to formula, or exclusively pump my breastmilk (which I have a lot of, apparently). Each time I felt like I had a grip on the situation something would happen that would reduce me to tears again. And I knew that Charlotte was picking up on my stress, and so was Ander.
We called our insurance company and they told us that a lactation consultant was 100% covered on our plan, but they didn't have one in my network, so I basically had to just call random lactation consultants to see if they accepted my insurance. I made phone call after phone call trying to figure something out and get some help, but no one helped me. And for the insurance company to authorize a lactation consultant it was going to take 15 days. And by 15 days from now, it wouldn't be worth it anyway.
So after much deliberation, prayer, and many tears, I have decided to exclusively pump my breastmilk for Charlotte for as long as I can, and after that she'll go on formula. I'm hoping to pump for the next six weeks until I go back to work, then we'll see how I feel after that. Who knows, maybe I can keep up pumping every three hours in a 24 hour period. Maybe not. But for the next six weeks my baby girl will be drinking my milk out of a bottle, and I am completely at peace with that.
Ander tells me that now that I've reached a decision, there will be many people who will tell me I'm wrong, or that I didn't try hard enough. This hurts, because I do believe I tried everything I could to make it work, and it just didn't. Some people can do it, and some can't. But what I do know is that Heavenly Father helped me make this decision, so I know it is not wrong. I have trusted in Him more during this past pregnancy and these last 11 days more than I think I have every trusted in Him in my life. He knows exactly what I'm going through, and He helped me make a decision.
My little Charlotte is happy and healthy, she opens her eyes bigger every single day, she sleeps like a champ as long as she has eaten a good meal, and I can't believe Heavenly Father entrusted me with such a sweet little spirit. I am honored to be her Mama, and I am also honored to be married to such a great Papa. Ander has been nothing but supportive during all of this, and I don't know what I would have done without him.
We're going to be just fine here, don't you worry.
No comments:
Post a Comment