Welcome to Hell on Wheels.
Ander and I watched the AMC Original Series for two seasons. Seasons packed with violence and madness. We were spellbound. Sure, it made us feel slightly uneasy... "Well, that was just the time, back then. That's just how things were." I said. "Indians, sickness, mud and muck everywhere... that's what it was like to live on the plains in the 1800's."
But the anxiety this show gave me never quite left me, even after we turned the TV off. Not quite. In the back of my mind I saw the indian attacks, the heavy drinking, the deaths, the prostitute tent, the guns... but I would push it away thinking "it's only a TV show."
Hell on Wheels is the story of Cullen Bohannon, a former soldier and slaveowner, who is out to bring his wife's killers to justice. This hunt of his brings him to the middle of the building of the transcontinental railroad. He finds work there and basically all Hell breaks loose. The show borders on a TV-mature rating, and just ended it's third season.
We were so into it! We loved it! It was gritty and dark, and I was rooting for Bohannon. Rooting for the railroad. For the black men that weren't slaves anymore, but weren't free either. For the prostitutes to make better lives for themselves. For everything the be wrapped up in a neat little package.
But alas, it was not meant to be.
This is Mr. Gundersen. Also known as "The Swede".
Mr. Gundersen is evil personified.
I have read many books with nasty villains. Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter, William Hamleigh from Pillars of the Earth, Blue Duck from Lonesome Dove. I've also seen plenty of movies with nasty villains. But none of them compare to the evil of Mr. Gundersen. Not even close. And this character is the reason that Ander and I have decided to stop watching this show.
All day long I have felt a crushing anxiety in my chest. I wasn't sure why I felt it, or what it had come from, but it almost suffocated me. With it being my half day of work, I came home at three and had a list of things to get done, but I could not focus on anything. The feeling in my chest got worse and each time I asked myself what it could be one thought came to my mind:
"Hell on Wheels"
Odd. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. It was only a TV show! It wasn't real, it never actually happened, and it wasn't THAT bad... was it?
I couldn't focus on anything. I tried to get things done. I tried to listen to General Conference talks. I tried to clean my house. I couldn't shake the feeling I had, and I knew I only had one option.
I knelt down and prayed to my Heavenly Father.
I told Him that I felt uneasy and anxious, and that I wasn't sure why. I told Him that I didn't want to feel this way anymore and I would do whatever it took to make the feeling go away. After I prayed I didn't feel any better.
I had to go to a missionary meeting with a non-member girl in our ward, so I grabbed my stuff and left. And the meeting was great! But I still felt anxious. On the way home I started shaking uncontrollably and couldn't keep still. I couldn't believe this anxiety was getting worse! What was wrong with me!?
After Ander got home from fishing, I opened up to him and told him I thought my feelings were because of the show. And guess what? Heavenly Father answered my prayers. Ander told me he had some of the same feelings about the show, and that it made him really uneasy. It gave him a foreboding feeling that he just couldn't shake. He told me that he thought the reason we were feeling this way was because this show had shown us what a man looks like when Satan completely grabbed hold of his heart. The Swede was such an awful character, and he had done some truly awful things, and Ander and I both felt that when we watched this man (FICTIONAL man), we felt as though we were seeing a true face of evil.
"That's it." I said, "that's exactly it. I just don't think I can watch a show that borders so closely on the edge of completely R rated. It's definitely pushing it's limits." So together, we decided to stop watching Hell on Wheels.
And the anxiety is gone!!
I'm so incredibly thankful for my sweet husband and my loving Heavenly Father who answered my prayer. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I feel like I can breathe normally again. And you know what's funny? I thought I would miss the show since we'd been watching it so regularly, but when I came home from work today and realized that we weren't going to watch an episode tonight I realized I felt relieved instead of irritated. It may sound silly, but the media we watch, read, and listen to can really have a very intense effect on us. I learned that lesson the hard way.
